my powerful little two year old

I had another one of those foot-in-mouth, gut wrenching, horrible awful moments last night. The kind that makes you want to wrap your itty-bitty in your lap and just cry and say how sorry you are. No mother should make their baby cry like that.

So life has been challenging these past few months. With DH getting an amazing promotion at work, he's been working long hours - as in he doesn't get home from work three days a week until about 11pm. Yeah - that bad. My job is just a PITA. I'm not happy. The company is not what it used to be, and it sucks when you know more than your boss. Like the basic things...not the details of your specific job. Plus my parents gave back their apartment so their not around as much. All of this means more presure on me to make sure the kids are happy, DH is happy, shopping is done, there is food for the kids, make our social plans and everything that goes along with that....oh and add to all of that the need to organize the house, plan a christening, plan vacations.....just so many little things. I'm overwhelmed.

So we had a super fun weekend. Went to the mall with the kids on Saturday. I even got to take Sof out on my own for ice cream and Trader Joe's. DH and I went to an adult birthday party. Spent most of Sunday out at the beach with the grandparents. So to say the least, we had an amazing weekend! But Sunday night, the house was a disaster! Sofi and Alex just wouldn't fall asleep. I sat with them for a while and tried to comfort them and calm them down so they would sleep. They pulled every trick in their tiny little books. And it got to me. At one point, I can't even remember what Sof said or did - but I told her she needed to sleep because I had other things to do and basically she "was getting in my way and wasn't worth the time I was spending with her". OMG - I don't know if it was my tone or what I said - but gut wrenching tears in the pillow. Like the kind that broke my heart into a billion pieces. That made be cry and want to hold her and make her understand how important she is. Not just to me but the world.

As much as I know a messy kitchen is not the end of the world, I like to leave the house in decent shape for the nanny. I know how it feels to start your day off with a messy family room/kitchen - you just never get a handle on it! BUT - is that really more important than being there whole heartedly for your baby. Not a chance in the world. And my two year old made me realize that.

She made me realize that I just need to put in my notice at work. Yes, it's going to be a very difficult adjustment. But oh so worth it. Like to the extent that I can't even imagine how amazing it will be to have the time to do little projects with all of them and help Patrick's vocabulary grow, and take them places. I just can't wait.

I do have alot of hesitation. Financially, we'll be just fine. No, we won't be going to Europe anytime soon, but we can still do what we do. We may not save as much, but whatever - we'll figure it out. The kids will need loans for college, but both DH and I did that and we turned out fine. I'm afraid of loosing the adult interaction and seeing some sort of accomplishment in what I do. But I need to do it. My heart will be so much happier.

This is one of those moments in life where you have to hold your breath and just "jump". There is alot of unknown. I don't know if I can actually do this whole full time mom thing. It's going to be so much harder than just being in the office. But I'm up for the challenge. And knowing that those three little faces are going to shine like a christmas tree every single day, is THE BEST THING in the world. I don't want to miss any more fun and amazing moments with them. As my mom says, why should the nanny get to see all of that??? Why should we miss out??? (don't get me wrong - I love the nany, but I gave birth to these little amazing humans!!)

So I need to do it this week. That little girl just made it all so real. My hemming-and-hawing about it is making me loose precious time with them. In all honesty, who know how much time I actually have with them. After reading the blog JLK's mom writes, it makes me realized what is important. I hope to god that my life is nothing even close to hers, but I will learn from her and make sure that JLK's legacy changes my kids. And I don't care if people will think I cater to every need or want my child has - they are my babies and they need to know that I will ALWAYS be there for them. Yes, they need to grow wings and fly on their own, but they need to know that they can always come back to me and I'm just waiting with open arms.

OK - I actually need to put some time into work. I need to get stuff done and build the courage to do what I need to do.

Cuteness

Seriously, I know they're my kids and I'm biased....but could they be any cuter???

I come home to sweet Sof with two adorable pigtails and giant shiny gold ribbon on each tail. Huge smiles from all. Then Alex goes and plays the piano while Sof and Pat dance and sing.

Then the girls are actually getting along and they each have their Sofia the First tin pail with the puzzle and decide to "hide" by the garage door. Total giggle fits and laughter and awesomeness!! THIS is what I live for. To hear the laughter and know that they have each other forever. Nothing can come between these two. Well actually THREE!!

Yes, baby brother got in on some serious cuddles from his sisters. All of a sudden, I see Patrick sitting on Sofi's lap and she's holding him there and snuggling up to the back of his head. I actually got some pictures of them cuddling like this. Alex even came over to Patrick and gave him a real hug with meaning behind it.

Yesterday, Diana was telling Alex to be careful with something on the counter, and apparently Sofi chimes in with a hug to Alex and says "she's my baby sister" in a very protective way, thinking that Diana was being "mean" to Alex! My dear Sofi - you act like the older sister for sure - but she's got two whole minutes on you!!!

And my little bubba. I walk in these days and get this totally magical smile from him. Melts my heart to no end. He FINALLY likes me!!! I had a scarf on the other day and he wanted me to take it off! "hana - hana". As if Alex wasn't enough of a fashion diva - now I have him as well!!

Bottles - So it's been almost two weeks that we stopped giving the girls a bottle. Alex hasn't had milk since then. Sofi seemed to accept it, and uses her sippy cup, but the other night she had a true melt down. It's been over a week, yet she cried for a good 15 minutes for her bottle. She finally settled down and decided to take her sippy cup. Broke my heart.

I think Sofi is just like her GoGo and her mommy - she takes care of everyone and acts all strong and tough and amazing. But deep down, she gets hurt too and she needs to let it out. She's just amazing. It's crazy to see this in her so early. I wonder if I come back and read this in 10 or 20 years, will she really be like this?